I dream Laura Jane Grace was a friend of mine

She wore a black torn tank top, black skinny jeans, and black leather high-heels. Her hair was long and strangly with dark mascara surrounding her eyes. She attacked the strings of a beat-up looking telecaster and sang her heart out like she never failed to do before. The same energy was presented to the show but the emotions were far more intense and real. I was determined to meet her before the night was over.
 After the show, I talked to the guitarist from the Icarus Line, a band I had never heard of that opened for Against Me that night. He really liked my Jimi Hendrix shirt and said that he collected them so I took it off and gave it to him. He had to leave so I went to get an autograph from Jay, the drummer for Against Me. We then went outside and sat on the curb and waited to see if any more musicians would come out. I noticed to the side of the building a group of kids walking in the back to where the bands tour buses were so I followed. We all just stood around waiting and talking about the show when James, the guitarist for Against Me came out of the building to say hello to his fans and take some pictures. Shortly after him, Laura Jane Grace appears. The adrenaline kicks in and reality hits hard. My hero and major influence was standing right in front of me. I couldn't believe it. I shook her hand, introduced myself, then told her I loved her and asked for a hug. We hugged and she signed my shoe and my ticket and went about meeting her other fans. After everyone was gone, I walked up to her and asked her how long she'd be there for in which she said about another hour or so. We talked some more and she was down to hang and shoot the shit but things didn't work out unfortunately. However, next time I will meet her again and will actually have a real conversation with her. I can't wait!

You can't put your arms around a memory

I can't believe it's been just about ten years. Ten years since such a major impact and hero figure left my life for good. Ten years since I last saw his face. Ten years of being lost and alone.

We strike chords that cut like a knife

I had a successful night at the jam spot. Our first drummer came out to play with us for a couple hours and it went marvelous. There's something about playing and giving all you got until the point your sweating and you just can't stop. I find that to be the funnest times when jamming. I'm ready for school to be over so I can practice more and we can start writing more songs.

I think I'm losing my mind.

I don't feel like the same person anymore which isn't an uncommon symptom of my personality. I don't think I have ever been sure of who I was. I don't think there has ever been a time that I have ever felt like I've belonged. I just feel like something's missing I guess. But overall, I've been pretty happy, at least this past weekend I have been. Maybe it's because I'm finishing my work for school. Either way, getting things done is a great feeling. Now I just need to catch up on some sleep.

Happy Memorial Day

All I want to do is write music. I want to play for crowds of people without expecting any kind of payment but merely for the enjoyment of playing my songs for people to hear. I've finally discovered why I haven't had 100% motivation and determination in song writing. It's because the drummer we jam with. He's really talented and has a lot of versatility but he just doesn't give off the same energy to the rest of us like our first drummer had. We were able to jam out and look at each other straight in the eyes and know what we were about to do. The writing process seemed to flow better and we were continuously coming up with more and more ideas. It's been about an estimated 3 to 4 months since we played with our first drummer but I think after I'm done writing this, we're meeting up at the jamspot and going to pick up where we left off. Should be a good time if I'm getting into the vibes. All I know is we really need to start making things happening and record.

nothing left but dead feelings

Sometimes I feel like there's nothing left to live for or that this world, this life, is a waste of time. I'm certainly not suicidal so I won't be offing myself anytime soon but I do just feel very uncomfortable living in this world. It's weird but I guess I just feel like I don't belong. Nobody lives the right way, and I can honestly say I don't myself either, but I find people to be just as worthless, if not more, as I am. The other day, I had someone come up to me and tell me that I need Jesus in my life. For what reason?? I have no clue. But this is a girl that I never talk to, and she just gets done talking about how her father (out of all people) is a "faggot" and this and that. Then she comes up to me and tells me I need Jesus in my life?! Really??? Some people. I don't know anymore though, they're all sickening and there's only a selected few that I can really tolerate or appreciate.

I Still Love You Tom

Finding out that Tom Gabel, lead singer of Against Me, has been struggling with transgender dysphoria and will be getting a sex change, was a bit of a shocker to me. I certainly would never have expected that one so when I heard about it, I was of course in a state of shock. I had no idea what to think about it, but now that I know more about that kind of thing, I'm proud of him. It takes a lot of courage to do what he's doing and I feel sympathy for him for having to deal with that kind of struggle for so long. Now that I listen to his songs, it's everywhere, the signs are all clear. And I understand where he's coming from now more than ever. Tom Gabel has been, and will continue to be, a great influence to me. He's one of my heroes, an inspiration, a true poet. He's true to himself and says exactly how he feels. I wish him the best of luck and hope that he will find his real identity through this brave decision. Tom, I will never abandon you.

Against Me!

Against Me is coming to town again June 2nd at the The Orbit Room and I'm soo extremely excited to see them! Last time was last year at around the same date at the Intersection. They put on such a good show and I'm most likely going to lose my voice because I'm sure I'll sing along with every song at the top of my lungs. It's definitely going to be a memorable night!

Last night was horrible. I stayed up late working on homework and at around 1:30, I heard a gunshot and a scream. It was so terrifying, it put chills down my spine. Then I went to bed shortly after that and had a nightmare that I was swimming with my sister and as soon as I swam over to the deep end, she pushed me all the way under and drowned me. I woke up so freaked out and felt miserable. This morning, it turned out I wasn't just hearing things. Supposedly someone broke into someone's house so the cops and their dogs were in the neighborhood. It's kind of funny though because I live in such a small town but so much happens in it. Anyway, that was how my night went.

Another State of Mind

Last night I watched a pretty cool documentary on punk rock called Another State of Mind which takes place in the summer of 1982 and depicts the first international tour that the bands Youth Brigade and Social Distortion embark on. I love how they tour across the U.S. and Canada in a run down, piece of s*** for lack of better words. It was an influential video I would say because it not only was on music, but also how punks were misunderstood by people and how they're judged by others based on how they look and how they dress.

I've been really into punk lately but mostly just bands like Against Me! and The Clash but most recently, I've gotten more and more into Social Distortion. Leather jackets, blue jeans, motorcycle boots, tattooes, and an obvious 1950's greaser esque rock 'n' roll sound and style. There isn't one thing in that sentence that I can say I do not like. I didn't like Social Distortion that much before but I have a new found respect and understanding of the band and Mike Ness (singer/guitarist), well he's just simply b.a.

Life is too much for me to even care what's going to happen after

It amazes me how corrupt society has gotten to be. We live in a generation where religion, faith, and morals are thrown out the window. I'm getting started on reading the Bible, not because I'm a religious person, but because I'm interested in reading it and getting my own interpretation from it. I've heard some stories from the Bible like Jonah and the whale and some of them just seem so ridiculous for me to even believe. But I think people may misinterpret it. I think they take it way too seriously when really they're looking too deep into things. I don't know, religion frustrates me. It just seems to me like religious people are so ignorant, arrogant, hypocritical, they just seem like they're the worse people out there. I don't mean to cause any offense to anyone but seriously, it's sickening. Religion as a whole causes so many problems and people get so upset if somebody else doesn't have the same belief system as them. Here's the way I see it, we have one life to live and we don't know when the end will be for us. No one knows if there is a Heaven or a Hell, no one knows for sure if there is a God or not. We need to make our own individual choices on what we're going to believe because it's simple, you either have faith or you don't. That simple. People need to stop thinking they know the impossible and stop trying to know the impossible. Religion has turned into such a public matter that people are judged by others because of it. I just wish people could believe in what they want to believe in and just carry on with the rest of their lives.

And I scream from the top of my lungs, what's going on!?

Tom Hanks. Hands down, one of the best actors there ever was. He just has to be, I haven't seen one bad movie with him in it. I just got done watching one I haven't seen yet called Philadelphia and I highly recommend it. It's one of those movies where by the end of it, you feel like you can make a difference and can become a better person. Oh and a song that I have just recently discovered and am addicted to and suggest to many, What's Up by the 4 Non Blondes. Anyway, it's 2:33 a.m. so I'm going to bed so I can be up for my adventure tomorrow. Goodnight

A Hard Rains Gonna Fall

Lately I've been having some strange premonitions about the world. 2012 has been a very weird year so far to say the least. I've been thinking a lot about life and death and even religion and science. My opinions, beliefs, and points of view have all changed. I feel like I'm a completely new person, like I've been reborn.
But anyway, as everyone already knows, this year is marked to be the year of the apocalypse. It seems like most people don't believe it's going to happen and a lot of people are very arrogant when it comes to debating it. I don't know if it's going to happen or not, no one really does, but I find it funny how people either are ignorant to the theory or they just contradict themselves. Just because it says in the bible that no one in the world will know when the end will be, doesn't mean that you can't still suspect the apocalypse to happen. And people keep saying, "It's not going to happen, nobody knows when it's going to happen", well if nobody knows when it's going to happen then how do they know it's not going to happen? They don't. Plain and simple. Then you got the people that look at it based upon the whole Mayan calendar and so they automatically assume it's b.s. but what about society? What about civilization? Just open your eyes and take a look at the world you live in. Turn on the news, read your newspapers, walk around in public and observe the behavior of others. It's a very cruel place we live in and I don't know the answers to the questions of life but I know I don't doubt the world ending for a minute. Call me crazy. It could end tomorrow, or next month, it could happen anytime and I don't want to take things for granted. I want to accomplish as much as I can, I want to do something to make me very very happy and satisfied so when my time comes, I'm ready for whatever death has in store for me. Of course majority of people are still going to be ignorant and assume the apocalypse isn't going to happen in our lifetime but ask yourself, have you done anything to contribute to society? Have you made a difference in anyone's life? If death was right around the corner, will you be ready? Have you said all that you needed to say and done everything you've wished to do? I'm not trying to scare people but people need to realize that we're all we got and we need to work together and make great changes in society. Only we can make this world a better place, but will we?

Always do your research first

I will not support or take part in any events/donations regarding the Kony situation. When I first heard about it I was shocked and I believed it but now all I'm hearing is how it's all a hoax. From what I have attained by the information I received, Kony hasn't been in Uganda for about 5 or 6 years and we're giving all our donations and the money we make for the cause to Uganda. Some are saying that Joseph Kony doesn't even exist and that this is a way for the government to get more money from us to contribute to Uganda. We supposedly found oil there as well and some speculate that that's why we're doing this whole thing because we want that oil before everyone else knows there's oil there and the plan fails. I don't know what to believe but I am definitely not going to waste my time worrying about it or trying to help out when the intentions behind this could very possibly be wrong. It's so disappointing to think that we were finally doing something beneficial and all working together to put an end to such a horrifying scenario and now to hear that the whole thing could possibly be fake or over-exaggerated. I don't know. The whole thing is ridiculous and I'm just going to carry on with my life.

I can't get away with beating my wife

I find it funny how so many people despise men hitting women (mostly women) but yet when it comes to someone like Chris Brown, everyone still loves him just because he's famous. It's basically okay if he does it but if anyone else does, then they are horrible people. People have such a twisted way of thinking sometimes. Besides, who wants to listen to someone that beats their girlfriend and throws over-exaggerated, immature, temper tantrums on reality television? I don't know whose worse; Chris Brown or Kanye West? Kanye West is just a selfish, greedy man with no respect for anyone else and he does a good job at showing the world who he really is. I wouldn't even consider him a true artist. I have a hard time liking an artist's music if I don't respect them as an individual. They think that just because they're famous, they can say and do whatever they want. I don't mean to be stereotypical but it seems that that's the case with mostly rappers. I hate all their cliche songs about their fast cars, stacks of cash, and "bitches" all over them. The only ones that can sing about fast cars, fat stacks of cash, and women all over them are Bruce Springsteen, Pink Floyd, and The Beatles. Period.

Generation: Failure

Last night I fell asleep unexpectedly and woke up in a cold sweat at 3 in the morning. I was so angry that I didn't get any of my homework done and I wasn't able to practice strumming so I went back to sleep. I woke up for school earlier than most mornings because of a nightmare I had. I've been in a horrible mood ever since..It's strange how dreams can affect a person's emotions. I've had it where I'll wake up from a dream and feel the lowest I've felt in a very long time. I've had dreams where I would feel scared or even lost. There must be a deeper meaning behind the concept of dreams. I mean, I've even heard of instances where people have had ideas or inspiration come out from their dreams. I just find it so strange how I can be so happy, on top of the world, but then one dream can just ruin my whole day. I'd rather never sleep again.

Anyway, I just found out about the Kony issue today. It's quite bizarre how such a big situation is hardly even known to people. But I'm glad it finally has made the public and people are starting to take action. I love the idea of posting posters around people's hometowns and making this whole ordeal known to the world. I am going to try to take part in this event April 20th, downtown. I hope Kony does get captured soon, he shouldn't even be alive. Some people just don't deserve to breath the same air as the rest of us do. Is that offensive? Not one bit. There are some cruel, evil, disgusting people out there and we call these people scum. All they do is take up space in the world. I know it sounds harsh to say things like this but some people I truly believe just don't deserve to live. There's too many sick and twisted people out there and this world is so corrupt. I wouldn't be surprised if the world really did end this year. I'm expecting it to anyways. I mean I know people have been speculating for it to happen for years and years but I think the world is coming to some strange times and something big is going to at least happen this year. Most of the time I have hope for the future and people, but sometimes when I really view my surroundings, I lose that hope and come to the realization that we screwed up. We messed up big time and now we have to be punished for it.

We want a band that plays loud and hard everynight and doesn't care how many people are counted at the door

I'm happy, ecstatic, care-free. I'm determined, motivated, and my head is clogged with ideas. I think I've finally found myself and now it's time to make things happen. I'm living for the present now, rather than focusing on the past or future, and just doing what I need to do to make life easier for me to achieve my goals.

I love music. It's my life, and probably always will be. I grew up with the dream of becoming a musician one day but when I finally picked up the guitar and didn't know what to do with it, I lost interest and ambition. I just set it down and wasted years of my life not playing, when I could have had all that time to practice and be a better musician today. I will not dwell on the past though, seeming how I've came such a long ways or it at least seems that way to me. I've been playing guitar at a constant, steady rate for a little over a year now and can finally say that I have a band as of last August. We've had a lot of struggles along the way such as finding places to practice seeming how every time we made an attempt, cops, neighbors, or parents/siblings would get involved and complain. Just a couple months ago, we found the solution to our problems; renting a storage unit..We've already written about 3 songs and have so many ideas built up as well. We also have a producer who is going to be recording us in the near future at his studio, very thrilling to say the least. Our music will be out there for anyone to listen to and that is just such a weird thought to process through my mind right now but it's almost like an adrenaline rush.

I've always loved buying a new album and being blown away by the band I'm listening to whether it be because of their brilliantly written lyrics or just the creative elements these bands come up with in their songs. I remember when I bought Led Zeppelin II, I was about twelve, maybe thirteen, and this album had such a great impact on me. It had so much presence and power to it that that very album is what made me want to play guitar. Bob Dylan deserves some credit at this as well because he is quite the songwriter and poet. His songs are full of great lyrics and each one tells a story. I really love music that provides emotions and feeling, and I appreciate artists/bands who write about reality and things that people can relate to. If I am ever lucky enough to get a major record label and record an album, I hope people who listen to it will feel exactly what I feel.

Dubstep

Recently I have fallen victim to the new age of electronic music, Dubstep...For the longest time, I had my negative feelings towards it seeming how I am old school and like my music raw. However, I gave it a chance and was open minded, and I ended up enjoying it quite a bit. I'm very picky when it comes to Dubstep though and I prefer the darker kind. A lot of people are really into it and it's slowly becoming more and more popular and a whole new music genre. What I like about it is the whole idea behind it. This is a new type of music and even though it's similar to techno and other electronic music, it still has it's own direction that it should be appreciated for in a way. I'm embracing this new music genre for my generation.

Check out Korn's recent Dubstep collaboration album, The Path of Totality.

Comfortably Numb

Generally, people have their days when they're happy, people have their days when they're sad, and people have their days where they're in between. Lately for me, I don't know what I've been. Someone asked me tonight if I was happy and I didn't know how to reply. It's almost like I forgot about those kinds of feelings. I've been on the go a lot lately and have just been so focused on getting out and doing things that I haven't even been feeling much of any emotions. I sit here alone and I ask myself if I'm happy, but I don't really feel like I am, although I also don't feel sad. I guess I'm just apathetic right now. Nothing's really bothering me and it's nice for a change to not have to worry or get let down by anyone or myself for that matter. I don't know how long this is going to last, but all I know is that this is a nice relief from everything..

Changes

Change used to be such a normal concept. Now it's almost a scary thing. I'm 19 years old this year and a senior. I'm supposed to be graduating in May, and sometime before or after that, get a job. I have a lot of decisions and choices to make and I need to make sure they're good ones. Therefore, the pressure's on. I don't know what to do. All of the decisions that I was determined on before, have now vanished. I sometimes wonder if I'll still have the same friends by the end of this year or completely new ones. I know I've lost a lot of people or grown apart from people before due to change but I don't want that to happen again. I do need a change...badly...but not a change that's going to affect my personal life drastically...