You can't put your arms around a memory

I can't believe it's been just about ten years. Ten years since such a major impact and hero figure left my life for good. Ten years since I last saw his face. Ten years of being lost and alone.

We strike chords that cut like a knife

I had a successful night at the jam spot. Our first drummer came out to play with us for a couple hours and it went marvelous. There's something about playing and giving all you got until the point your sweating and you just can't stop. I find that to be the funnest times when jamming. I'm ready for school to be over so I can practice more and we can start writing more songs.

I think I'm losing my mind.

I don't feel like the same person anymore which isn't an uncommon symptom of my personality. I don't think I have ever been sure of who I was. I don't think there has ever been a time that I have ever felt like I've belonged. I just feel like something's missing I guess. But overall, I've been pretty happy, at least this past weekend I have been. Maybe it's because I'm finishing my work for school. Either way, getting things done is a great feeling. Now I just need to catch up on some sleep.

Happy Memorial Day

All I want to do is write music. I want to play for crowds of people without expecting any kind of payment but merely for the enjoyment of playing my songs for people to hear. I've finally discovered why I haven't had 100% motivation and determination in song writing. It's because the drummer we jam with. He's really talented and has a lot of versatility but he just doesn't give off the same energy to the rest of us like our first drummer had. We were able to jam out and look at each other straight in the eyes and know what we were about to do. The writing process seemed to flow better and we were continuously coming up with more and more ideas. It's been about an estimated 3 to 4 months since we played with our first drummer but I think after I'm done writing this, we're meeting up at the jamspot and going to pick up where we left off. Should be a good time if I'm getting into the vibes. All I know is we really need to start making things happening and record.

nothing left but dead feelings

Sometimes I feel like there's nothing left to live for or that this world, this life, is a waste of time. I'm certainly not suicidal so I won't be offing myself anytime soon but I do just feel very uncomfortable living in this world. It's weird but I guess I just feel like I don't belong. Nobody lives the right way, and I can honestly say I don't myself either, but I find people to be just as worthless, if not more, as I am. The other day, I had someone come up to me and tell me that I need Jesus in my life. For what reason?? I have no clue. But this is a girl that I never talk to, and she just gets done talking about how her father (out of all people) is a "faggot" and this and that. Then she comes up to me and tells me I need Jesus in my life?! Really??? Some people. I don't know anymore though, they're all sickening and there's only a selected few that I can really tolerate or appreciate.

I Still Love You Tom

Finding out that Tom Gabel, lead singer of Against Me, has been struggling with transgender dysphoria and will be getting a sex change, was a bit of a shocker to me. I certainly would never have expected that one so when I heard about it, I was of course in a state of shock. I had no idea what to think about it, but now that I know more about that kind of thing, I'm proud of him. It takes a lot of courage to do what he's doing and I feel sympathy for him for having to deal with that kind of struggle for so long. Now that I listen to his songs, it's everywhere, the signs are all clear. And I understand where he's coming from now more than ever. Tom Gabel has been, and will continue to be, a great influence to me. He's one of my heroes, an inspiration, a true poet. He's true to himself and says exactly how he feels. I wish him the best of luck and hope that he will find his real identity through this brave decision. Tom, I will never abandon you.

Against Me!

Against Me is coming to town again June 2nd at the The Orbit Room and I'm soo extremely excited to see them! Last time was last year at around the same date at the Intersection. They put on such a good show and I'm most likely going to lose my voice because I'm sure I'll sing along with every song at the top of my lungs. It's definitely going to be a memorable night!

Last night was horrible. I stayed up late working on homework and at around 1:30, I heard a gunshot and a scream. It was so terrifying, it put chills down my spine. Then I went to bed shortly after that and had a nightmare that I was swimming with my sister and as soon as I swam over to the deep end, she pushed me all the way under and drowned me. I woke up so freaked out and felt miserable. This morning, it turned out I wasn't just hearing things. Supposedly someone broke into someone's house so the cops and their dogs were in the neighborhood. It's kind of funny though because I live in such a small town but so much happens in it. Anyway, that was how my night went.